Overwhelmed Super Busy Mom
I received a query today from a new mother who is nursing her 8-month daughter. During her maternity leave she was offered and accepted a promotion which requires more responsibility and travel. She informed her management that travel would be an issue while nursing her baby and they understood. During the summer when she returned to work, they didn’t ask her to travel, but she was asked to travel oversees in September. The trip was postponed to October and then cancelled because some of the key players were not able to attend. She’s also been asked to travel to Mexico and Germany. Her boss has been supportive so far, but she is beginning to feel pressured to travel for her job as an Associate Director.
A trip to Singapore is scheduled for December. The flight is 19 hours and the time difference is 12 hours. The meeting is 5 days long. She will need to leave on a Friday to arrive on a Sunday for a meeting on Monday. She is considering bringing her husband and daughter along, but the thought of having her on the plane for 19 hours, then staying at a hotel, changing her schedule so drastically and her
routine, going to a country she’s never been to is very scary. And, on the other hand, the thought of being separated from her family for nearly 10 days is just as stressful.
She works long hours, normally 7 am-7 pm daily. Working from home is not an option. She has a long commute. Her husband stays home with her daughter but is willing to resume work, if necessary (although he hasn’t found a position at the same pay level). She also has many evening commitments for business dinners that she must attend.
Her sister recommends that she move out of her management role and back to an individual contributor role that is less responsibility. Her sister has also suggested that she change companies and work for a company that is more
work-from-home friendly. Sometimes sisters, friends, and other family members offer good advice but it’s important to make your own choices in your life based on what’s really best for you.
She feels that she’s worked hard for her position. She generally likes the company she works for and feels that they’ve given her many good opportunities during the past 4 years since she started. She is one of the few women in a management role in a traditional male-dominated company. She really wants to be able to provide her daughter with the best of everything (i.e. private school, after school programs, etc) and she also wants to be able to spend more time with her. She wants to work but her career drive is different since she had her baby.
She turned to me for help deciding on whether or not to take the trip to Singapore in December and to explore her options for working. This is a fairly common scenario as many moms have their values shift after we become moms.
I’d love to hear your thoughts…especially if you’ve been in a similar situation. Please email me at natalie@superbusyparent.com.
Thanks!
Yours truly,
Coach Natalie
Reverse Negative Self-Talk
Who has time in their super busy life to get in their own way?!?!
Well, what you say to yourself radically effects the quality of your life, and your ability to do things effectively. This self-talk is your internal dialog—the words and phrases you use when you talk to yourself and think about things. Your self-talk reflects and creates your emotional states. It can cause you to feel calm or worried, depending on what you tell yourself. When you use words like “impossible”, “never”, “always”, “more problems,” and “I can’t” it de-motivates you and influences your self-esteem, outlook, energy level, performance, and relationships with yourself and others. It can adversely affect your health.
Fortunately, I’ve experienced how changing the patterns of self-talk can provide more positive alternatives. In one example, I was working with a group of moms during a coaching program we called, “Maximizing Motherhood”. I noticed that many of them quite frequently put themselves down. When I shared this observation, the moms chose to commit to alleviating this habit. So, over the course of the program they put a dollar in the jar to represent each time they used negative self-talk. This helped create an awareness of it and provided a forum to discuss it and practice more positive alternatives. They became very good at observing themselves and catching themselves in this negative pattern.
Below are some of the things that positive and negative people say. Look at the difference, and start talking to yourself in constructive ways, if you don’t already.
Negative Self Talk
When negative people explain bad things, they internalize them (“I’m so stupid/clumsy/fogetful.”), consider them permanent (“It’ll never happen.”), and generalize (“Life sucks…it’s too super busy.”). When they explain good things, they externalize them (“I just happened to be in the right place at the right time.”), consider them temporary (“That went well TODAY.”), and see them only in a specific context (“At least THIS went right.”).
Positive Self Talk
When positive people explain bad things, they externalize them (“The weather caused it.”), consider them temporary (“That was a rough couple hours.”), and see them as isolated (“THAT part of the plan didn’t work, but…”). When they explain good things, they internalize them (“Life is great!”), consider them to be more or less permanent changes (“Now I know how to do this.”), and generalize from them (“Things are working out well.”).
Become more aware of your thoughts and what you say to yourself. Catch yourself when you say negative comments and reverse that negative self-talk. Break the pattern and you’ll feel so much better about yourself!
Try this…it really works.
Best regards,
Coach Natalie
Stretching Outside Your Comfort Zone
My nine year old daughter gave me the confidence to participate in a speech contest the other day. It was through her attitude and her behavior that I welcomed the opportunity to experience the contest. I had a bunch of excuses initially….”I’m too busy”, “it’s not a good use of my time”, “I’m not good enough”, “it really doesn’t matter”. Then, remarkably it was something about her determination and courage to audition for a play that motivated me to just give it a shot.
I have experienced this same type of self-doubt from clients, as well. They hide behind their super busy life as an excuse to avoid risks or make changes. This experience brought me more self-confidence in exchange for a small investment of time. It provided an opportunity to experience participating in a contest against other skilled speakers. It provided a positive affirmation that I am an excellent speaker. Ironically, after I had my turn to speak and felt satisfied with my results, how I was evaluated by the judges didn’t matter. The fact that I had come to the event with a strong intention to do my best and to enjoy the experience was gratifying enough because I followed through on my commitment and stepped out of my comfort zone. I am pursuing my dream to become an excellent professional speaker. Winning first place in the contest and getting excellent feedback from the audience was the icing on the cake!
So, when you are faced with a situation that stretches you outside of your comfort zone to help you pursue your dreams and goals….remember, it is worth your time and attention even though you are a super busy parent!
Sincerely yours,
Coach Natalie
Best Companies for Super Busy Parents
I received the latest issue of Working Mother magazine this morning. I haven’t had the chance to open it but I noticed that this issue features the Top 100 best companies for working moms. Each year Working Mother magazine surveys and assesses thousands of companies using five main criteria as the basis for its judgments: flexibility, leave time for new parents, child care, elder care, and the number of women occupying top jobs. Companies like J&J and IBM have been on the list consistently each year since the annual list came out 21 years ago.
I remember how AT&T made the list every year when I was employed there. However, availability of benefits really came down to your direct management. My last manager, when I had my second child, was adamantly opposed to anything other than a full nine hour day in the office. She felt that she raised her daughter and got through it so anybody else could do it, too. This, and being offered an enhanced voluntary package, ultimately became my reasons for leaving the corporate world.
Even those who work in companies recognized for their outstanding work environment for working moms, are often faced with issues and challenges because their supervision doesn’t support work/life balance; their job doesn’t lend itself well to flexibility or alternative work arrangements; the perceptions of those around you who frown upon you leaving promptly at 5:00 pm, coming in at 9:00 am, or leaving during the day to pick up a sick child from school; or, your own unwillingness to ask for what you need. I also have clients in the opposite situation–they work for family un-friendly companies. Some have managed to negotiate for what they need to be most efficient and effective at their job. While others feel stuck in an impossible situation that causes them extreme amounts of stress.
I personally believe in taking things into my own hands, whenever possible. I’ve helped many of my clients design and communicate their requests for flexibility so that they can excel their effectiveness at work and home. It’s not impossible unless you really believe it to be so! If your company doesn’t support your needs as a super busy parent, why not look into employment at one of the Top 100 companies?!?!
I’m curious how you’d rate your employer in their ability to meet your work, life and parenting needs. Please email me at natalie@superbusyparent.com to confidentially share your personal experiences.
Thanks!
Best regards,
Coach Natalie
Caring for the Grandparents in your Super Busy life
As if your life isn’t busy enough working, caring for your children, husband and home, when your parents become ill it requires yet another balancing act. I’ve recently read about the rising statistics of the adult population requiring care for a disability, an illness, aging, and chronic conditions. So, in recognition of Grandparent’s Day, which was yesterday in the US, I’d like to share some of what was in the article I read about how to accommodate work, caregiving for your parents, and all your other responsibilities.
I apparently live in one of the counties in NJ with not only one of the fastest growing county, but also that its over-85 population is the fastest growing age segment in the state. More than 60% of the caregivers work full- or part-time. And, although it used to be primarily the role of women (daughters), there is now an increasing number of men who make up the caregiver population…in fact, it’s almost 50%!
Caregivers experience a number of stresses, including navigating the health care system, processing insurance claims, researching available community resources, juggling finances, raising a family, and meeting the physical and emotional needs of a loved one who wants to maintain his/her independence–all while simultaneously still remaining a star employee–is no easy feat.
According to this article, the impact is felt not only by caregivers and their families, but also by employers due to an increase in absenteeism, replacement, productivity loss, and more. So, employers have a vested interest in designing responsive and effective programs to support their employees. Sensitivity, flexibility, empathy, and understanding can go along way! Employees with elder care concerns could be handled similarly to those with childcare issues.
Fortunately, I am not a caregiver yet. However, my parents and in-laws are aging and are developing more health-related issues. Seeing how caregiving has affected many of my clients, friends, and neighbors, I know that it can take a toll on the caregiver themselves. Therefore, it’s really important for caregivers to take care of themselves, to stay healthy, and have some downtime for themselves so they don’t burn out or have their own health issues. So, if you are a caregiver, look towards your employer, your community, and other resources. Consider programs like adult day care, respite care or home health aides to help balance you balance your life with their needs and to provide them with some opportunities for social interaction and care.
Take care of yourself as you take care of Grandma and Grandpa!
Yours truly,
Coach Natalie
Balance demands in Your Super Busy Lives
With the school year resuming and many fall activities starting back up, a question I am frequently asked by my clients is how to help children balance the demands of school and extracurricular activities.
What I’ve learned over the years is that it’s important to teach kids how to set priorities. Help them realize that they can’t do everything; at least, not all at once (and, by the way, neither can you!). This is crucial as they move up the grades: Elementary school kids can do many things, but as they get older and each activity requires more time and attention, they have to learn to prioritize. So start early: “We can go to the park and play, or we can go for a swim, but we can’t do both. You choose.” That’s the key: Get them used to making decisions.
If you see the signs of overload, such as inadequate sleep, inability to concentrate, or moodiness recognize that they may be feeling stressed out and overwhelmed. Just like adults, children, can experience these same things when their life is too hectic.
Be alert and watch for signs of stress in your kids. Do something about it as soon as possible to avoid other possible disasters from occuring!
Good luck!
Yours truly,
Coach Natalie
Help Kids Organize for the School Year
Even if you’re one of those parents who think you don’t have good organization skills, fact is, just to keep things flowing on a daily basis, you have some degree of organization skills. Help your kids learn to organize, too!
Motivate your children to get organized and, more importantly, make it a habit by creating rituals at home like:
1. Put the backpack in the same place at the end of the school day.
2. Do homework in the same place and at the same time each day.
3. For younger kids, sit nearby as they work, if possible. And for all kids, make sure they have adequate supplies, from notebooks to pencils. Review their notebooks. Check their homework. Review their papers, quizzes and tests from school.
Kids, just like adults, like the feeling of being organized. Before the school year begins, ask the teachers what they think are essential organizational skills. This prepares you and enables you to get a head start.
See if this helps!
Best regards,
Coach Natalie
Help your Kids Prepare
Remember the 5 P’s: Proper Preparation Prevents Poor Performance.
Talk about routine shifts from summer to school year: Bedtime, curfew and the like, but get beyond this, too as you prepare for the new school year.
Get your children to feel a bigger sense of responsibility for completing their homework and keeping track of assignments by taking things one step at a time. Be realistic in your expectations. If your child spent all summer losing their swim goggles, don’t expect them to be able to keep track of all their books, their sweatshirt, and their school supplies! Improve the odds of better responsibility by growing the skills from the inside, which means, unfortunately, that you often don’t necessarily see results right away. They develop the roots of responsibility long before the behaviors are evident on the outside.
Set clear expectations and hold your children to these expectations. Be interested in their work, the assignments, and what’s difficult and easy about them. Your interest helps.
When they complete homework make sure you acknowledge it, but not just with an “I’m proud of you.” Your feedback has to point to the internal growth of responsibility, so “How do you feel?” or “You must feel good about that” are better comments.
Be preparing your kids and shifting responsibility to them you have less stress in your super busy life!
Try it and see how it works for you….but remember to be patient!
Yours,
Coach Natalie
Partner with the School
Even though life might feel too busy, get to know your child’s teacher(s), principal and other school personnel. Although you may not be available during the school day for regular activities, look for opportunities to participate in the hours you can. For instance, you can bring a dish to the annual pot luck dinner, attend PTA meetings, visit the school with your child prior to the start of the year, help with photocopying, etc. If they have a website, log on often to see what’s going on. Be aware of school regulations and help your child abide by them. Also, be sure to read school notices regularly.
Yours,
Coach Natalie
Stay Involved with School-Aged Kids
Even though you are super busy at work and home, it’s vital that you are involved with your children’s education. The younger your children, the more parental involvement is necessary! However, even when you have teens in high school, it’s still important to be involved because parental involvement makes a positive difference (even though your children may not readily share that with you!).
Your kids start the school year with a clean slate and a new teacher. It’s a great opportunity for a fresh start.
If you demonstrate how you value education it is more important than if you just talk about it. So, model the importance and help get your children off to a good start this new school year.
With older kids, seek their input about your role in their education for this school year. It might take awhile for the response to unfold, but when it does, you’ll have some interesting conversations.
With younger kids, plan on spending time at the school during the first few weeks to get to know the teachers and other parents.
Finally, stay involved, but don’t try to run the show, either. Just stay involved and aware of what’s going on.
Stay tuned for more back-to-school tips in this BLOG!
Yours truly,
Coach Natalie
