Managing the Homefront in your Super Busy life
I’ve been coming across more and more women who have husbands who have left the work force to be home with the kids. For some, this is the perfect solution. This tends to work real well when there are more career opportunities and ambition by the woman but a desire to have the children primarily cared for by their parents.
What I find happens in some cases is sort of a disconnect. There’s somewhat of a role reversal to the former traditional model of the father as the bread-winner for the family. This may create feelings of resentment, jealousy, frustration on the negative side or feelings of appreciation, support, encouragement on the positive side. Neither feelings are right or wrong.
The problem comes when these feelings are not discussed honestly and openly. Someone feeling negatively really needs to be heard. Otherwise, this may adversely effect the relationship, and ultimately the family unit.
Many of the women I know who are the bread-winners of their family tend to be controlling. Not necessarily a ‘control-freak’ or not necessarily consciously but by default. Husbands in the role of a stay-at-home dad may relinquish their role and behave in a subservient manner. The frustration for women comes when they not only work long hours in their career but are also expected to oversee or manage the household despite having someone capable at home.
I don’t think there are any quick solutions but a need for constant communication. Both parents need to be clear about their roles and contributions to the family unit. They need to be in touch with their feelings and recognize when they’re not feeling good about something; then address it without placing blame or judgment.
Beings this seems to be a growing area of interest and concern, I’d love to hear from those of you in this type of situation. Please email me to describe your situation as well as what’s working and what’s not. I’ll continue updating a BLOG discussion on this topic as I hear from more of you.
Thanks,
Coach Natalie
The Power of Choice
So many people limit their choices because they feel they have none. They are stuck by “golden handcuffs” (high salary, benefits, stock options, etc.) that keep them in a position they are very unsatisfied with. I believe people always have choices but that every choice comes with consequences, both good and bad. Sometimes it’s the consequences that we fear that keep us stuck, but we do have choices!
One of my former clients, Barbara, felt slightly dissatisfied with her career opportunities at her job. At about the same time, she was getting calls from headhunters about other possibilities. She didn’t consider any of them because she had a number of years vested in her current company. As we talked about her situation, she decided that there was no harm in exploring her options. So, she spoke with a potential employer and decided to interview with them. She flew from North Carolina to Dallas to meet with the other company. She found that they were willing to offer her more money and career growth than what she had. As she reviewed the offer and evaluated it, we discussed her options and concerns. We found that although it seemed like a lucrative offer, relocating her family and starting over wasn’t something she really wanted to do….not even for the large sum of money they were offering to her.
Barbara chose to stay with her employer, but after the experience and gaining more self awareness about what was really important to her, she chose to meet with her management to propose changes in her job. They accepted her proposal and she was glad she chose to stay…even 7 years later when I touched base with her to see how she was doing!
We all have the power of choice in our own lives. When we don’t make choices, we’re not really in control of our own life.
We can choose to release what drains us and embrace what nourishes us. Realizing your life is the consequences of your choices becomes very empowering. If what you’re doing isn’t working for you, choose to change it!
Coach Natalie can help you make choices by being a sounding board and helping you explore your possiblities, brainstorming options, and empowering you to take control of your life.
Want to explore your options….take this assessment and see if you’re ready for coaching!
Here’s to you and the choices you make in your life!!
Yours truly,
Coach Natalie
Last Minute
Well, Hanukkah is already here and Christmas is less than a week away. This is the final push to get everything done.
We celebrated Hanukkah with my family this past weekend. I had 20+ people over Sunday morning for breakfast at 9 am. Afterwards, I rushed off to bring my daughter to her final performance of “Miracle on 34th Street” at the community theatre. This was followed by a cast photo and cast party. I got home around 6:30 pm. It was a super busy day!
So, in reflecting back over the holiday I’ve created this year, I believe I jumped right into the frenzy with everyone else. I was initially peaceful and calm. I was keeping everything in perspective and focusing on our traditions and highest priorities. But somehow I got sucked into it. Society in general seems to push us to be over-achievers. When I was relaxed people responded quite negatively about how I must be missing something or that my life wasn’t busy enough.
So, here we are, less than a week to go. I have nearly all my presents bought & wrapped, (some are carefully tucked under the tree while others are hidden deeply) house cleaned and decorated, cards mailed out, and festivities planned and it feels good to be in the spirit and beyond the craziness. So, I’m picking up my kids after school and heading to the mall for the first round of exchanges.
Pacing things out, focusing on priorities, not succumbing to guilt or pressure, and singing holiday songs is my secret to having a happy holiday. I’d love to hear yours!
Happy Holidays!
Yours,
Coach Natalie
Effective Ways to Lessen Holiday Stress
Holidays are typically one of the most stressful times of the year for most people. Although it is a joyous and happy and spiritually-based day or time period for many, it is often comprised of frantic activities, shopping and feasting marathons, as well as, an increase in both stress and illness levels. For super busy parent, the holiday time is usually an increasingly busy time. The following tips can help diminish the stress and avert accompanying low energy levels that may lead to greater susceptibility to illness, feeling blue, fatigue, irritability, and generally a negative holiday experience.
1. Determine Your Priorities.
Manage your time rather than letting it manage you. Decide what your priorities are regarding holiday events such as parties, family functions, gift buying, cooking, and all other related activities. Put them in order of priority and give yourself ample time for each thing. DO NOT wait until the last minute unless absolutely necessary, or it will be hard for you to not feel pressure and stress.
2. Define Your Limits.
Learn when & how to say NO so that when you say it you mean it. You only have so many days and hours to squeeze in family, friends, business get-togethers, gift buying, food preparation, gift wrapping, traveling, packing, etc. If you have extra time and the desire to help others, fine. However, make sure you have completed or scheduled what is most important to you first. Others can cross your boundaries if you allow them. Remember that you do not have to attend every party or event you’re invited to and if you’re not feeling up to it, you may politely cancel. There is also no need to take on everything yourself, holidays are a time to enjoy, ask for help when you need it!
3. Accept Your Limitations.
For many, this is tough to do, since we often want to do all kinds of things on a holiday and don’t realize how much time and energy it will take from us in the end. Think about what you really have to do, and really want to do. Then, think about what you realistically have adequate time and energy to do. Give up unrealistic expectations. Follow those guidelines and you will perhaps do less and not see as many people, write as many holiday cards, or cook as many cookies or pies, but you will be much less stressed and enjoy the holidays considerably more. Simple concept. Put it on paper and stick to it.
4. Pace Yourself.
Prepare for events in stages. Save and re-use your recipes and shopping lists from year-to-year because traditional holiday dinners vary little. If you are going to be cooking for a large group on one or more occasions, shop early, and prepare what you can in advance, whether it is the day before or the night before. Many types of casseroles, baked goods and snacks can be made 1-2 days prior and kept fresh in a freezer or refrigerator in sealed containers or their own cooking dish. If you have 100 cards to be addressed and mailed, block off 15-30 minutes every day to work on them starting 2-3 weeks before they need to be mailed. Or, better yet, create a mailing list with labels you use annually. Look for possible gift ideas throughout the year, purchase items on sale and put them away until the holiday comes! This alone can save much time (and money)! Also, you avoid the holiday crowds in the stores and malls. Accomplishing a few tasks at a time rather than doing it all at once can cut your stress level by a large amount. Stay organized and focused!
5. Use Your Computer To Shop And Send Greetings.
Take advantage of the technology sitting on your desk if you have a computer and you are online. One way to save time and energy is to do some of your shopping for gifts online! Most of the major gift and department stores have a web site, and most also have their catalog or many items in many categories online (with photos often) from which to choose. You can use credit cards using a secure server to protect your card number, or in many cases, you can pay by check, phone order or fax. Just about everything from CD’s and videos to toys, jewelry, clothing, computers and computer accessories, and personal items, are available to order online. Use any of the major search engines to find the store address if you do not know it. Virtual malls are also available through multiple sources. Additionally, you can use your computer to send virtual holiday cards, pictures, holiday newsletters, etc. to friends, business associates, and family online.
6. Help Others/Volunteer.
This is especially good for the person who lives alone or is all alone as far as family and friends. There are many opportunities for you to create your own sense of “community” by being with people who are also alone and in most instances, far worse off than you physically and financially and perhaps emotionally, as well. You can volunteer your time to work at a food bank or soup kitchen where a holiday dinner is served and prepared; go to a local church or shelter to help feed the homeless and the poor; whatever, just be creative and look for opportunities you can contribute. The more you give, the more you will get back in blessings and good feelings yourself. It may not happen the same day or all at once, but it will happen. When you see that the best gift you can give is yourself, your spirits will rise and be reinforced with a warmth and strength which is better and longer lasting than any gift or holiday party.
7. Practice Patience & Good Deeds,
Keep repeating to yourself when feeling rushed “I have plenty of time.” Hurrying is a struggle against time—that’s unhealthy. Adopt a more relaxed attitude. Let others in front of you in line (especially when they seem distressed), hold the door open for the person exiting with a handful of packages, give up the parking space, drop off something thoughtful to someone special to you just to show your appreciation & thankfulness, find the acts of kindness that make you feel good and do them repeatedly.
8. Sing, Hum, etc. (it doesn’t have to be out loud)
Experience the joys of the holiday season by hearing the music. Let the music help ease your tensions. Some suggestions: ‘Tis the season to be jolly (perfect if you’ve lost your sense of humor); Dashing through the Snow (helps you remember that although not everybody can dash through the snow, movement is absolutely essential to your physical, mental, emotional and spiritual well-being); Making a list, checking it twice (Don’t expect your already overloaded mind to remember any more than your way home and the names of your immediate family members); you get the picture!
9. Exercise!!
Yes, that is right, even before the New Year’s resolutions! Having to park three miles away from any place peopled with shoppers gives you an excellent opportunity to squeeze in a little aerobic activity. Carrying your purchases back to that same location might be considered strength training. It’s amazing how many ways you can work in a workout. However, do more than the credit card wrist twist; the lugging of packages; the raising your arm to mouth and opening wide—do real cardiovascular exercises at least 3 times per week for 20 minutes or more. You’ll be amazed at all the extra energy you create!
10. Avoid Or Be Very Moderate With Alcohol, Sugary Foods, Caffeine
Most holiday gatherings include the sharing or offering of alcoholic beverages, coffee and cakes, cookies, etc. Since many people use alcohol, caffeine and sweets as a way to combat stress and even depression, it is wise to limit your intake if you wish to limit your stress. These items are only a temporary stress reducer. Keep in mind, the best stress reducers are laughter, listening to and/or singing music, helping others, being loved and sharing love, and for many, association with their church or faith through private or public ceremonies and events.
11. If Possible, Spend Holidays with Others (family, friends, neighbors, work colleagues, etc.).
The holiday season is a dreadful and lonely time for many. Spending the time alone will tend to add to the feelings of isolation and depression. If you have friends, relatives, etc. see if you can join them for a part of it. Whatever you can do to get the focus away from yourself and the past the better off you will be. While it is acceptable and healthy to remember events or lost loved ones on holidays, it need not be either a negative or the entire focus of the holiday for you.
12. And, most importantly…..Take Time for Yourself.
Unless your career responsibilities demand you return to work the day after a major holiday, take an extra day or two off to recoup your physical and emotional strength. Joyous times are every bit as stressful and draining as sad or unpleasant events. If you work for yourself and plan ahead to do it, take a day before and 2-3 days after a major holiday to catch up on sleep, clean up your house, and travel in a relaxed time frame.
We at N-R-G Coaching Associates wish you a wonderful holiday with Joy, Peace, Balance and Success in 2007!
Sincerely,
Coach Natalie
Incredibly Super Busy
This month I’ve taken on many more commitments than usual. With it being the holiday season and my daughter acting in her first play, I sometimes wonder why I’ve taken on so much.
Like many people, I enjoy being wanted and needed. I like feeling important. Although this may be difficult to admit, it’s in fact very common. We often take on more than perhaps we should because of the primary need of being accepted. Being a coach and knowing how quickly things can spiral when we take on too much, I’ve learned to pace myself and to stay focused on the present. With many in my family worrying about holiday parties that are still weeks away, my aunt’s surprise 95th birthday out in Long Island, and tending to all the holiday decorations, I’ve taken a much different approach….and I find it’s working!
I have 8 speaking presentations planned for December and a really big one scheduled in Las Vegas in January. All different topics, of course! I’m also working on a free 7 week e-course that will be announced soon. But in order to offer the course, I needed to select a shopping cart solution that met my needs. This took some time, research, and advising. When I finally selected the WAHM-Cart solution (I’ll keep you posted about this one because if I like it, I’ll set-up an affiliate program with them!), I realized that I’m right in the heart of my busiest period and really don’t have time to set it up (I’ve lost some of my technical astuteness when I left the Corporate world and no longer had the latest technology with all the bells and whistles available at my fingertips.) So, I tapped into my virtual assistant (well, he’s actually my web designer, and a great all around helper, Adam Hommey at Assess Communicate) to bail me out and keep things going even though I’m spending time somewhere else.
I’ve also decided to eliminate my annual holiday newsletter, have delegated the decorating to my husband and kids, have arranged for help from my mother-in-law, and have given up wasting time worrying about things and instead use the time to plan and prevent. What I’ve learned is that it’s ok to refocus and reprioritize, even if it’s just for this one year. We could revisit traditions next year and decide which ones we want to continue or replace. I’ve also learned to trust that everything will work out exactly how it’s supposed to. I get to where I need to go on time…miraculously, the lights are all green and traffic opens up when I need it (well, most of the time but definitely not always!). My copies are ready on time. Meals are prepared. And, everyone, including me gets to where they have to go. My family has become a team this holiday season with everyone taking on different roles and tasks and everything important getting done!
Hope this helps you re-think your holidays and busy times!
Warm regards,
Create Healthy Habits
Habits are nothing more than thoughts you keep thinking or the words you use to speak about them. If you have habits that are no longer working for you, the first step is to identify the thoughts you have around that particular habit. Be aware of how that thought feels to you and then replace it with thoughts that feel better. If you’re not sure if your habits are working for you, look at how they make you feel physically, emotionally, mentally, and/or spiritually because that will help provide some indication.
In an e-course I received about this topic from my colleague, Eva Gregory (Leading EdgeCoaching.com), Wake Up to the Dream, an example she provided was, rather than holding a thought that you really ‘need to give up sugar’ or you really ‘want to give up sugar’, change your thoughts from those that sound obligatory or wishful to one of decision. ‘I have decided to give up sugar’. Can you feel the difference in those statements? ‘Needing’ or ‘wanting’ sounds wishy washy. ‘Deciding’ is much more powerful and grounded. Now take it a step further. Change the focus from what you don’t want – in this case, sugar – to what you DO want in its place… healthier eating habits, for example. So reach for another thought. For instance, “I have decided to eat healthily now” or “I am eating healthily now” or “I have decided to have healthy eating habits now.” Then ‘act as if’. Pretend you are now eating only healthy foods and loving your new eating habits and how you are feeling. How DOES it feel? Visualize what that’s like for 30 seconds. Now let it go. Everytime you think of sugar or reach for something sweet, go back to your new thought, “I have decided to eat healthily now.” Then notice what you are inspired to do in that moment. It may be to eat the sweets anyway; it may be to eat only a bite; it may be to bypass it altogether. The important thing is to NOT beat yourself up about it if you do choose to eat it. If you’re going to eat it, ENJOY IT!!! Then come back to the new habit of thought you are creating, “I have decided to eat healthily now”. Spend another 30 seconds visualizing how it FEELS to be eating healthily and let it go. Keep repeating this process, being gentle with yourself in the moments you eat less than healthily, acknowledging the times when you ARE eating more healthily, and over time you will gradually change your habit for good!
According to Eva, this process works for changing both physical habits and emotional habits. Changing your eating habits is a physical change you make in what you are eating. Changing an emotional habit is a matter of commiting to a change in perspective. For example, you can change a habit of thought such as “I rarely reach my goals in the timeframe I set, therefore I’m a failure” to “I know my goals are always reached in perfect timing, no matter what.” By being willing to change your perspective, you literally shift your energy from one of resistance to one of relaxation and allowing, and in that shift you become an open vortex for your goals to be realized much more easily, and truly in perfect timing!
You can discard unhealthy habits and create more healthy habits just by taking conscious effort and being consistent. It may not be easy, but it will definitely be worth it!
Special BONUS: Send an email to natalie@superbusyparent.com to request a free report, “Habits of Highly Successful Women”..
Best regards,
Coach Natalie
Overwhelmed Super Busy Mom
I received a query today from a new mother who is nursing her 8-month daughter. During her maternity leave she was offered and accepted a promotion which requires more responsibility and travel. She informed her management that travel would be an issue while nursing her baby and they understood. During the summer when she returned to work, they didn’t ask her to travel, but she was asked to travel oversees in September. The trip was postponed to October and then cancelled because some of the key players were not able to attend. She’s also been asked to travel to Mexico and Germany. Her boss has been supportive so far, but she is beginning to feel pressured to travel for her job as an Associate Director.
A trip to Singapore is scheduled for December. The flight is 19 hours and the time difference is 12 hours. The meeting is 5 days long. She will need to leave on a Friday to arrive on a Sunday for a meeting on Monday. She is considering bringing her husband and daughter along, but the thought of having her on the plane for 19 hours, then staying at a hotel, changing her schedule so drastically and her
routine, going to a country she’s never been to is very scary. And, on the other hand, the thought of being separated from her family for nearly 10 days is just as stressful.
She works long hours, normally 7 am-7 pm daily. Working from home is not an option. She has a long commute. Her husband stays home with her daughter but is willing to resume work, if necessary (although he hasn’t found a position at the same pay level). She also has many evening commitments for business dinners that she must attend.
Her sister recommends that she move out of her management role and back to an individual contributor role that is less responsibility. Her sister has also suggested that she change companies and work for a company that is more
work-from-home friendly. Sometimes sisters, friends, and other family members offer good advice but it’s important to make your own choices in your life based on what’s really best for you.
She feels that she’s worked hard for her position. She generally likes the company she works for and feels that they’ve given her many good opportunities during the past 4 years since she started. She is one of the few women in a management role in a traditional male-dominated company. She really wants to be able to provide her daughter with the best of everything (i.e. private school, after school programs, etc) and she also wants to be able to spend more time with her. She wants to work but her career drive is different since she had her baby.
She turned to me for help deciding on whether or not to take the trip to Singapore in December and to explore her options for working. This is a fairly common scenario as many moms have their values shift after we become moms.
I’d love to hear your thoughts…especially if you’ve been in a similar situation. Please email me at natalie@superbusyparent.com.
Thanks!
Yours truly,
Coach Natalie
