Overcoming Perfectionism Paralysis
Paula Eder, PhD, The Time Finder Expert has a free ezine with her unique approach to finding time. In the 4/23 issue she explored tips for overcoming the insidious paralysis of perfectionism. She introduces action-oriented suggestions throughout her ezine which you can apply right away.
1. Perfectionism is a learned attribute that you can unlearn. You were not born a perfectionist. You learned perfectionistic behavior from others, and you can unlearn it now. Next time you hear your perfectionist voice, identify the original source, if you can. Was it from your family constellation or from how you saw people outside your family react to you? Or was it based on someone you modeled yourself after? Envision these perfectionist messages in a heavy sack of expectations you received, which you can now set down and leave behind.
2. When perfectionism leads to procrastination, replace it with a “better than perfect” goal. Inevitably, perfectionism will prevent you from attempting something, because you fear not doing it well enough. Remember, it is your own standards that are unrealistically lofty. If you feel stuck in a project, try replacing skyhigh expectations with a productive stretch, and then identify your next action step.
3. Release the shackles of perfectionism by naming the fear that serves as the lock. Tyrannical perfectionism both springs from and generates destructive fears. Identify the specific concerns that constrict you. Do you fear failure, or are you apprehensive about what will happen if you do succeed? The level of control that perfectionism promises is illusory. See if you can identify the illusions and replace them with realistic alternatives.
4. You needn’t victimize yourself with your own success. Once you have succeeded at a task, you may feel you have to meet ever-higher standards. This is sometimes referred to as “raising the bar syndrome”. Each effort leads only to demands for greater effort, until eventually you encounter the impossible challenge and inevitable defeat. Affirm that you remain fully in charge of your time and your goals, even as you move to a higher level of effectiveness.
5. Make friends with your mistakes. Perfectionists often judge mistakes as bad. In reality, mistakes present a valuable avenue for evolution. If you don’t risk enough to make these mistakes, how do you ever learn? Allow yourself the freedom to engage wholeheartedly,and enjoy the thrill of discovery!
Finally, recognize that your perfectionism is part of a deeply personal story that you are now free to rewrite. It derives ALL of its power from the meaning that you ascribe it. The more effectively you strip the symbolic importance from “perfection”,the less power perfectionism will have over you. To expose your perfectionism’s false promises, complete these sentences.
1. Doing something perfectly means I am _______________________.
2. When I don’t do something perfectly, then __________________.
3. The burden of perfectionism is _____________________________.
Exercise for overcoming perfectionism:
1. List 2 things you can do right now to reduce yourperfectionism. _____________________________ ____________________________
2. Describe how your life will change if you reduce your perfectionism. What will be the gains?
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(c) Copyright 2006-2009 Paula Eder, Ph.D. All rights reserved.
“Material used with permission from Paula Eder, Ph.D., who develops customized, practical guides to help individuals and organizations find time to achieve personal, professional,and academic goals, and achieve career success. Register for her free, Award-Winning E-Zine at http://www.findingtime.net
Anticipate time needed
Too often we over-stress ourselves because we don’t properly anticipate how long it will take to complete a project or task. In most cases, we under-estimate the time involved. To plan your day more effectively and to reduce your stress in the process, schedule adequate time during all three of the stages of a project, including preparation, productivity and closure.
To better allocate your time, keep a time log for a couple of weeks and track how long different activities take to accomplish. In order to get better at planning, you must first be aware of how your time is being spent. Be realistic about how much time your activities take and schedule your time accordingly. Non-realistic scheduling increases stress because there is not ample time to complete the full task as planned. Building in buffers for preparing and putting things away will allow the margin to decrease stress and increase productivity.
Young Mother of the Year
After reading the article and hearing the news about the Hardest working moms, I was a bit disappointed that the measurement was mostly based on earnings. So, when I read news of the Young Mother of the Year Award, I was happy to see that more real mothers are also getting recognized. These moms are 18 or younger…still children themselves yet they’re raising children, often with limited resources and support. Perhaps, they are the true heroes?
I don’t personally encourage young motherhood. It takes a lot of maturity and responsibility to care for oneself, let alone another human being that relies so heavily on you!
However, I do want to acknowledge American Mothers Incorporated for recognizing the challenges faced by mothers trying to balance a career and children. Each year they select a representative from each state as the Young Mother-of-the-Year. This award honors dedicated, outstanding mothers who are still raising their children that are 18 years old or younger.
This year North Dakota‘s Young Mother of the Year is KX News weekend anchor Jen Dame.
Hardest Working Mom
Did you hear the news??
….MADONNA has been named the hardest working mother in showbusiness!!!
She topped a new poll in Forbes Magazine ahead of REESE WITHERSPOON and GWYNETH PALTROW. With take-home of $110 million (£75 million) in 2008, she’s in the forefront of high-earning women with children.
Madonna, who is the mother to adopted 3 year old toddler David Banda, 8 year old Rocco, and twelve year old Lourdes, took most of her money from her world tour as well as record sales and a string of endorsement deals. She and hubby Guy Ritchie divorced in 2008.
Also topping the hardest working mom chart (based on earnings) was divorced mother-of-two Reese Witherspoon who took home $24 million (£16.5 million) in 2008. The actress has two kids, Ava, nine, and son Deacon, five, with ex-husband Ryan Phillippe Paltrow, who also has two children, with husband Chris Martin, came in third with earnings of $20 million (£13.8 million). Mother of three Julia Roberts captured the fourth spot, while actress Sarah Jessica Parker, who has a son with husband Matthew Broderick, rounded out the top five.
If you ask me, hard working moms abound everywhere and it’s certainly not only a measure of what we earn. Many hard working moms earn little or no salary for their efforts.
Balanced Entrepreneur or Workaholic?
Lee Down, a Professional Coach, Trainer/Facilitator, Speaker, & Writer of One Man Can Human Capital Development posted his view about this topic on his blog. I don’t know him personally but I found his views interesting and aligned with many of mine.
He compares a workaholic, someone who has no identity beyond their work and a True Entrepreneur, one that he observes their values, passion, and whole way of being aligned with what they do.
Check out his full post at http://www.welfarequeen.org/recreation/balance-entreprenurial-or-workaholic/
Get Everything Done
I have been studying the work of David Allen. Many successful entrepreneurs, executives, and employees at every level of the organization have successfully implemented his processes for improving productivity. However, the key to effectively implementing his processes and methodology is to increase your understanding by re-reading his books and applying them to your life in a consistent manner. At the first encounter with David Allen’s work, most people experience greater control, energy, creativity and focus but they let it stop there rather than going deeper. The extreme value is to conscientiously adopt the procuedures continuously in broader contexts. After implementing some of the basic techniques circle back and integrate it more fully and consistently to the rest of your life.
According to David Allen, author of “Getting Things Done: The Art of Stress-Free Productivity”, “Ready for Anything”, and “Making it All Work” there are five discrete stages that he recommends we undergo as we handle our work.
In the first stage, you are collecting things that demand your attention. In this stage it is vital to keep the incoming collection in control by having as few collection means as possible. You collection sources should be emptied on a regular basis! In order to capture everything that might signify something you have to do, you’ll need to gather together everything you feel incomplete with in your life, including, personal or professional, big or little, urgent or minor importance items, and anything that you feel ought to be different than it currently is. It is important to capture everything so that nothing is left in your head. Collection tools could include a physical in-basket, paper-based note-taking devices, electronic note-taking devices, voice-recording devices, and email.
The second stage is processing and the third stage is organizing. These two stages together form the focal point of the decision-tree model. There are a number of key questions to ask yourself about incoming stuff before you can collect it and process it. Firstly, ask what is it? Then define whether or not it is actionable. If no action is required then it is either trash and no longer needed (delete or discard); something that might need to be done later; or, potentially useful reference information. Actionable items need to be linked directly to a project or outcome that you’ve committed to. Then the next activity that needs to be done in order to move the current reality toward completion needs to be defined. This action can be done immediately, delegated, or deferred.
All of the organizational categories need to be physically contained in some form. The total system for organizing just about everything includes non-actionable item categories for trash, incubation tools, and reference storage. When no action is required you can discard it, put it in a tickler file for later reassessment, or file it so you can easily find the material when you need to refer to it in the future. Actionable items are categorized into a list of projects, storage or files for project plans and materials, a calendar, a list of reminders of next actions, and a list of reminders of things you’re waiting for.
The fourth stage involves reviewing the whole picture on a regular basis. A weekly review is a good time to gather and process all your stuff, review your system, update your lists, and get clean, clear, current, and complete. And, the final stage of this system is to decide what you’re going to do at any given point in time.
Defraying Stress
The Top
By Natalie Gahrmann, The Priority Pro
Between work demands, caring for your children, and seeing to everyday matters and responsibilities there is little time left to take care of yourself. So, many working parents put off time for their own needs and desires. However, you are a key influence on your child’s development, so the amount of stress you are experiencing in your work, family and personal life has a direct impact on them. Here’s some tips to help defray the stress and help you consciously take better care of yourself.
1. Breathe deeply
Bring in the air through your nose, deep down into your belly and out through your mouth in a slow relaxed fashion at least two-three times to help re-focus, re-center and relax.
2. Take in Relaxing Smells
Aromatherapy oils, herbal teas or scented candles are all relaxing to the olfactory system.
3. DAYDREAM, MEDITATE AND CONNECT WITH NATURE
Visit places and experience them newly. Or, give your mind a mental break by simply imagining you are somewhere else and creating a visual image and experience in your mind of being there. Either way, fully connect with your surroundings by noticing sounds, smells and textures. Relax your spirit and body using soothing music and warm lights.
4. Avoid Overextending Yourself
Stop saying “yes” too often to requests of your time, money, energy or other resources. Say “no” to things and people as a way of honoring you. Allow yourself a chance to think about the request before acepting the invitation. Bow out later if the commitment is contributing too greatly to your stress.
5. Eat Healthy Foods
Eat foods and drink beverages that nourish your body and soul.
6. Participate in a hobby or sport
Create an outlet for relaxation that you truly enjoy doing. Use your creativity to write, sculpt, knit, paint, etc. Use physical activities or daily exercise rituals to help “blow off” steam both physically and mentally.
7. lighten up
Smile, laugh and just be friendly to others. Friendliness goes far and helps you feel good about yourself. Humor lightens up tension. Notice how laughter is contagious, too. People are more naturally attracted to people who seem happy, positive, enthusiastic, and excited about life. Stop taking things so seriously all the time and lighten up a bit.
8. Enlist help from others
Learn to ask for and accept help (even when things are not done to your high standard level!) You will gain by delegating and allowing others to help, even when things don’t turn out exactly as they would have if you completed the task yourself. Allow yourself to be nurtured by your friends and family.
9. Spend Quality Time with Your Children
Have fun and interact with your children. Be fully present with them. Truly listen to what they have to say and connect on a deeper level.
10. Get Romantic
Stimulate your body’s release of endorphins by reading a romance novel, or better yet, curl up with your spouse/significant other or make love.
Business Coaches Help Workers Produce
Ever sit through a meeting and have no idea what happened? With increasing distractions, most of us struggle throughout the day to stay in the present.
Now, in a budding trend, business coaches want to teach us how to have a conversation with a colleague or client without allowing our minds to drift. In The Moment Coaching challenges workers at all levels to stay focused at work or home.
Experts say it is the key to better relationships. Our inability to be in the present and really listen when a customer, co-worker, spouse or friend talks to us can cause us to miss crucial information.
Business coach Anese Cavanaugh, owner of Dare to Engage, says although we get stuff done, ”we miss out on huge opportunities to engage and connect with other humans.” Cavanaugh’s Illinois business is designed to help managers work better with their teams. She starts by telling a manager to turn his back to his computer when someone is talking to him. “When you are in the present and pay attention to what’s going on, you learn not just what’s being spoken, but also the underlying emotion of a team, and that’s when things open to you as leader.
Indeed, some experts say workers are discovering the greatest casualty of our mobile, high-tech age is attention. Most of us have become masters of multitasking, adept at responding to e-mail messages during meetings or while on the phone. We manage to make time for multiple distractions when we’re actually trying to get work done. Yet, we feel inundated and overwhelmed.
”It’s a real problem,” says Harvey Sepler, a Miami appellate lawyer, who also teaches at University of Miami law school. “Often, I’m talking to someone and I’m thinking about something I’ve got to do.”
Sepler says when he becomes distracted at the office, he’s begun to do the same thing he teaches students — get up, stretch, walk away and then come back and focus.
Workplace expert Gloria Mark discovered the average worker switches tasks every three minutes, and, once distracted, takes nearly a half-hour to resume the original task. We take our distractions home, too, spending time with our family, only to think about everything that happened at work today and what’s about to happen tomorrow.
Because everyone’s brain is wired a little differently, solutions vary. Miami business coach Roberto Suarez of Biz Champions says attention can be bolstered through training. He teaches office workers to use the same technique for staying in the moment as golfers — the standing meditation. In a standing position, he has them focus on body position and silence.
Two weeks ago, Suarez held a workshop at Terrabank in Miami as part of employee appreciation week. Terrabank’s human resources chief, Adriana Nino, says she had attended a previous coaching session with Suarez. ”People need to forget about the distractions and stop worrying about problems in the future,” says Nino, who meditates twice a day. “I’m not at work thinking whether my daughter is doing her homework. The only way to stay focused is to practice at it.”
Sue Bethanis, an executive/leadership coach, says in meetings where everyone is checking e-mail, or thinking about the next meeting, opportunities for staff engagement are lost. Her San Francisco firm, Mariposa Leadership, teaches people to make the most of the moment. ”It’s relationship building,” she says.
To calm a racing mind, she counsels workers to concentrate on breathing, and then bring the spotlight of their attention back again and again to the work at hand or the person talking to them. “You might even need to write something down which is better than continuing to think about it.”
Sometimes, it takes eliminating distractions. The most common suggestion idea is to try to pull the plug on electronic devices. A typical office worker turns to e-mail more than 50 times a day and uses instant messaging 77 times, according to Seattle-based computer productivity consultant RescueTime.
In her new book, Distracted: The Erosion of Attention and the Coming Dark Age, author Maggie Jackson writes, “If we jump on every e-mail message or ping, we’ll have trouble pursuing our long-term goals. To make inroads on the deep, messy work of life, we need to stay focused.”
Article originally written by BY CINDY KRISCHER GOODMAN;
cgoodman @MiamiHerald.com.
Making Time for What Matters Most
Unexpected emergencies are normally crises that can happen at any time. They arise often seemingly from out of nowhere. Once they are there, you are more or less forced to take time for something or someone that you had not planned.
Quite unconsciously, or perhaps even consciously, you decide that the emergency takes precedence over everything else at the moment, because the person or thing that emerged is more important to you than anything else on your plate at this moment.
Emergencies, such as this, can serve to help you put everything in your life back in perspective rather quickly. When a health emergency arises, either yours or someone else’s, you immediately realize the importance of good health, wellness visits, and preventative care. Your perspective may shift to the importance of health, knowing that if you do not have your health, you may not have a productive or long life. Then, health becomes one of your top priorities.
When the emergency pertains to a relationship that is important to you, you recognize that the people you love and connections in your life, make your life worthwhile, so you take time out to take care of and nurture your relationships.
Making time for what matters most need not be relegated to emergencies. Imagine making time for your health, relationships and everything else that is vitally important to you, before an emergency strikes. Imagine taking excellent care of your physical body, your soul and those you love without being “forced” into it. Imagine sharing time, having real conversations, and being committed to understanding your loved ones or co-workers now – not just when emotions run high and things get a bit hairy or out of control.
Do yourself and your loved ones a huge favor and avoid an emergency by making time out of thin air today for what, and who, matters most to you. I am quite sure you will not regret this decision!
Re-Group when things are Chaotic
Lately I have felt like I’ve had more on my plate than usual. Working on a presentation for an entrepreneurial group, editing my audio book, revising my website, re-branding my company, serving present clients, contacting potential clients, writing my e-newsletter, writing some new articles, taking training for my own professional development and getting certified in a new tool I can administer for my clients, and so much more. Whew! No wonder why I feel so busy!
Several indicators tell me when it is time to re-group. First, I began feeling overwhelmed. Second, I was losing or mis-placing things. Third, I felt this incredible sense of not accomplishing anything. And, fourth, and likely the most important, my family noticed.
My husband recognized that I was always busy going to meetings, on the phone, on the computer but not connecting with him in our usual way. My daughter told me that she thought my work was more important than she was (ouch!) and my son got into some trouble. My exercise fell halfway off the schedule. Fortunately, I was working out 7 days a week doing running or walking for 10-15 miles weekly and a strength training video 2-3 days. Cutting out some of my exercise tended to make me de-energized and I ate more unhealthy foods.
When things start feeling chaotic, they probably are. So, before they get even further out of control. Take a break! Re-group and realign with what is most important to you, to your professional goals, and to your family. Make conscious choices and postpone, defer, delegate or remove some of the activities keeping you busy. Decide if you really need to be as busy as you are because if you’re busy doing the wrong things it really will not drive the results you are after.
Begin working smarter! It is not enough to get things done and check them off your list; you really need to be getting the right things done for that sense of accomplishment and improved results.
