Relating to your Tween/Teen in your Super Busy Life
Now that my son will be turning 12 in a few weeks, I am becoming much more aware of the issues and challenges parents of teens and tweens face on a regular basis. These children want so much to be treated like a grown-up and have their independence, yet they are still a child. They are very heavily influenced by their friends and society, sometimes to your own regret.
I had a coaching session with a mom who is a widow and has 12 and 15 year old children. Now that she has recently gone back to work full-time she wanted to develop more opportunities for quality time with her kids and enhance the relationships. Beings she doesn’t get home until around 7 pm on most nights during the week, this is rather difficult for her to do. She feels out-of-balance and disconnected.
We talked about the realities because some of them really can’t be changed. She does need to work for financial and other reasons. Having just gone back to work, she doesn’t have much flexibility in her hours or work schedule. However, she really wants to feel connected with her kids and be involved in fun activities with them.
In the past, they have had dinners as a family more frequently, had family meetings, game night, and other activities that seem to have disappeared. Although her son has lacrosse several nights, there is still an opportunity she recognized to have dinner together on the nights when they weren’t rushing out to lacrosse. She has committed to dinner together as a family at least 3 nights each week. Some of you may think, “three isn’t enough” while others may say, “three is impossible”, if you want to make this a priority, decide what is right for you and your family and just make a start! You can adjust along the way.
We also brainstormed activities she thought both her kids enjoy. Her daughter enjoys gardening, but hasn’t been doing it lately. This mom also enjoys gardening and would love the opportunity to spend a little while on a Saturday or Sunday morning gardening with her daughter. What she couldn’t see, the notion of spending a whole day, but spending an hour, seems reasonable and do-able. And, again, it’s a place to start!
She and both her kids enjoy bike rides and can do more of these together, as well.
Determining activities you could do together doesn’t need to be done alone. Your kids can provide their input about things they wish you would do together again, things they’d like to try out, and things they’d like to do more of. They could also help you determine when it’s appropriate to bring along a friend or two, and when it’s better to have more private family time.
I’d love to hear your ideas and solutions for enjoying time with your teen and tween. Please share your ideas for helping them with problem-solving, decision-making, responsibility, cooperation, and communication. And, tell me, what are some of the things you do together in the limited free time in your super busy life? Email me at natalie@superbusyparent.com.
Yours truly,
Coach Natalie
Celebrate Your Day
In honor of Mothers Day, I searched the Web for the best ways to celebrate you and your important role as a mom. I found the best advice at
http://parenting.aol.com/parenting/onlyonaol/feature/0,22440,1184790,00.html.
They have their favorites posted at this site. It includes ways to pamper yourself from to no-guilt feel good self-nurturing to at-home spa treatments; ways to keep your sex life sizzling and enhance your relationships with your spouse, your mother, mother-in-law, and friends; makeover success stories; shopping advice; and, heartwarming stories about motherhood. Whether you’re a new mom, a veteran mom, or a mom-to-be, you deserve to celebrate yourself!
And, HAPPY MOTHERS DAY to you! Enjoy your day.
Sincerely yours,
Coach Natalie
Mom Makeover
Check out the Mom Squad mom makeovers from Parenting Magazine http://www.parenting.com/parenting/article/0,19840,1154748,00.html
I’ve been the Life Coach for Parenting Magazine’s Mom Squad since it began this series early in 2005. Find out how the team of experts helps moms with real life challenges starting with the March 2005 issue.
The Mom Squad team consists of Billie Causieestko, Fashion Stylist, Sara Johnson, Makeup Artist Ellie Krieger, R.D., Nutritionist, Nikki An-Ledi, Hairstylist, Sharson Monplasir, Fitness Expert, Natalie Gahrmann, Life Coach, Jarnine Sarna-Jones, Organizer.
Set Realistic Expectations in Your Super Busy Life
I’ve been talking to many executive moms lately in preparation for an upcoming presentation. What I’m finding is that those with the highest rate of success in balancing and integrating their life have realistic expectations for themselves and others.
In one example, an executive level mom with boys ages 11 and 13 enjoys attending their baseball games. As soon as she receives their schedules at the start of the season, she puts every game on her calendar. She doesn’t plan on attending every game because that would be unrealistic to accomplish. However, she attends when she can and she makes sure she’s there when it’s a championship game. She is thankful for those she can make and doesn’t beat herself up for those she can’t.
In another example, another senior level working mom has decided that time for herself will involved others in her family. Rather than having time solely to herself on the weekends, she shares her time with her family as a conscious choice and not something she resents doing. She carves out time to read fiction stories when she craves time alone. Otherwise, her expectation is to limit her alone time because she prefers being with her husband and children.
Realistic expectations around housework, children’s behavior, work, travel/commuting time and even free time will help you stress less and enjoy more.
What can you be more realistic about?
Best regards,
Coach Natalie
Gaining Focus
I conducted a presentation today to a group of women leaders at a college. Overall, it went ok but not as I had anticipated. So, when I analyze what went wrong….the bottom line is that I tried to put too much into a 45 minute presentation and ended up losing my usual focus and organization. I spent too much time in some areas and not enough in others.
Overall, the feedback about how I actually conducted the program was excellent because there was lots of information provided, participation and interaction, and effective communication. The problem was that I didn’t get to cover some of the pieces in the depth I had planned. The program felt a little unorganized to me, especially when I started to rush to get through it. I had planned on having the participants complete an activity but there was no time left. I wasn’t told that some of the participants needed to leave by 1:15, fifteen minutes before I was expected to conclude. Although I think I held it together, I felt distracted once people started leaving prior to my completion and wrap-up.
My contact requested that I combine 3 different presentations to cover the pieces she thought would be most beneficial to the audience. In my aim to please, I feel I over-promised. Combining 3 different programs and bringing them together into one 45 minute presentation gave me a challenge. Unfortunately, I am not pleased with my results.
I wonder how many times in life others may have similar circumstances occur in their work or personal life. I know I tend to be hard on myself, as are many of you reading this post. However, I believe there’s much to be learned here about staying focused on the desired outcome and not sacrificing quality. I’m interested in learning and growing from this experience and your experiences. Please contact me at natalie@superbusyparent.com to share.
Yours,
Coach Natalie
Limit TV
Quite a few of my clients have recently recognized the amount of time they and their family spend viewing TV. They realized that if they avoided turning the TV on in the evening when they got home from work that they’d actually get more accomplished quicker, have more energy, and be able to better relax later on.
The debate about TV watching has gone on for years. Research indicates that American children and adolescents spend 22-28 hours per week viewing television; that’s an average of three to four hours a day! It’s contributing to obesity and other health problems in children as well as socialization issues as they mature. One mom I know set a NO TV rule. She allows her family to watch appropriate movies together but has relegated TV watcing to sick days, snow days, and special programs. By setting this limit when the children are younger, she is creating a healthy habit her children can take into the teen years and adulthood.
Moderate television watching with discretion in program viewing can be somewhat beneficial to school-aged children according to The Research Center for Families and Children. Excessive television watching creates problems for children. Here are some suggestions from the Department of Education:
Set Limits. Know how much TV your child is watching. Set some basic rules such as no television before homework or chores are done or during meals.
Participate. Watch TV with your child and discuss the program. Ask them questions and express your views. This will also let you know what your children are watching.
Monitor. Avoid shows, movies, or video games that have violent or sexual content. Encourage children to watch programs about characters who show cooperation and caring.
Analyze Commercials. Help children to critically evaluate advertisements.
Be a Good Role Model. This suggestion comes from the Parents as Teachers National Center. Because children model behavior, set a good example with your own television viewing habits. Avoid watching programs containing adult content when your child is in the room or nearby.
I’ve noticed how fixated my children (9 & 11) and my husband can become when they’re watching TV. I’ve also noticed how I can get drawn into it when I’m walking by. It’s important to be aware of how TV is contributing to your life or distracting from what you say you really want.
Here’s some ideas to help you and your family cope if you decide to limit or eliminate TV in your home:
1. Be more consciously aware of what you really do want to be doing with your time.
2. Encourage creative entertainment choices. Guide your family to help them develop other options besides TV. Be patient. If you can live through 15-20 minutes of whining, your children WILL find something else to do.
3. Send the kids outside to play.
4. Make a list of all the things you enjoy doing besides watching TV. Keep it visibly posted and refer to it each time you feel the urge to turn on the TV.
5. Use TV time as folding the laundry time.
National TV Turnoff Week is April 24-30 this year. Will you and your family be able to turn your TVs off for the week? And, if so, what will you be doing instead?
I’d love to hear from you about your TV Turnoff challenges and replacement activities. What did turning off the TV provide you with in your Super Busy life? What did the TV provide (i.e. relaxation)? What other ways can you get this?
Yours truly,
Coach Natalie
http://superbusyparent.com
Pay Pal
As a super busy parent and business owner I have used Pay Pal, my husband has, and I’ve received payment from a number of clients through this vehicle. So, because of that, I want to protect you from responding to the spam messages that come into your inbox and appear to be legitimate messages from Pay Pal. I had a couple emails that said a new email account was added and then today I received one that looked so real and had me so alarmed that I almost immediately responded.
I received a spoof that confirmed a transaction of $379.12 USD for an item I never purchased. My first thought was that maybe my husband purchased it and forgot to tell me. My instincts told me to log in directly to Pay Pal and check it out. When I didn’t see it appear in my history I had my suspicions. When I went to the Help section of Pay Pal one of the Top Questions was how to tell the difference between a real PayPal email and a fake one.
Here’s the answer direct from the official Pay Pal site: “The term spoofing and phishing have been used to describe the act of collecting personal information using a fake email in order to commit identity theft, credit card, and Internet fraud. If you click on a link included in an email you’re not sure is from PayPal, make sure the address at the top of the browser window you’re brought to reads exactly www.paypal.com. PayPal emails will address you by first name, last name, or business name, and NOT by Dear PayPal User or Dear PayPal Member. If you are ever uncertain about the validity of the email or the email links, open a new web browser window and type in www.paypal.com. If you think you have received a fraudulent email, forward the entire email to spoof@paypal.com and then delete it from your email account.”
I did send an email to the address they indicated for fraudulent email reporting. I also wanted to alert you of the potential danger so that you can make wise decisions to protect your self. Beware and watch out for these email messages in your inbox because replying will be a waste of your valuable time in your super busy life as will correcting any transactions that fraudulently occur. Be proactive here and safe guard your info!
Yours truly,
Coach Natalie
P. S. Be sure to check out www.wahara.com for a community of mom coaches I have joined together with to bring moms valuable and helpful information. You’ll find my blog, “Strategies for Super Busy Parents” and my profile in the Motherhood section.
Boundary-Setting
Any woman reading this knows the difficulty we have in setting boundaries that honor us because we have been conditioned to take care of and nurture others so well. We do this quite naturally and usually with great pleasure. The problems arise when you feel resentful, angry, or frustrated about what you’re doing for others or what others are doing to you or around you.
Boundaries are imaginary lines that help you protect yourself both physically and emotionally. They keep other’s actions and behaviors from hurting, distracting, annoying, or imposing on you. External boundaries are limits you set on how others can treat you or behave around you. Internal boundaries involve your own thoughts and beliefs and the messages you send to yourself.
People treat you as you allow them to; however, you can actually teach others how to treat you based on how strong or weak your boundaries are. Having strong boundaries are important for protecting your body, mind, and spirit. Setting boundaries can make an enormous impact on the quality of your life. It is a major step in taking control of your life and vital for taking responsibility for your self and your life. It is the one skill that you most need to develop in order to create the kind of life you really want. However, it is often the area where most people seem to have the most difficulties.
Setting strong boundaries will help you stand up for yourself, stop agreeing to do things you really don’t want to do, and start feeling less guilty about putting your own needs first. It is a part of the process of defining yourself and what is acceptable to you. When you don’t have boundaries set other people will step over the line without even realizing where it is.
Boundary setting is not about getting other people to change (even though at first, it may seem that way). It is really about deciding what you will and won’t tolerate any longer in your life, and then communicating this firmly and consistently whenever you need to. Boundaries are essential to becoming a healthy adult and balancing your work and personal life effectively. They demonstrate your commitment to self-respect.
I have provided a number of presentations to women’s groups, organizations and associations about this topic. I have coached individual women and even a couple of men to help them gain awareness of where their boundaries were weak or existenttant and how to set and communicate boundaries. In groups of mothers, small business owners, and managers we’ve worked together and practiced boundary-setting.
It’s very powerful to you and people around you when you institute your boundaries and stand up for yourself. It feels great to get the respect you deserve! Feel free to contact me for a complimentary coaching session so that I can help you set or enforce a boundary to help you honor yourself more.
Good luck!
Warmly,
Coach Natalie
P.S. Forgot to mention my new workbook that has a number of exercises that take you through the 7 key principles for creating more joy, balance and success in your work, family and personal life. It’s not on my website yet, but it is available by special order. It retails for $19.95 plus shipping, handling ($4.50) and tax (1.20) for a total of $25.65. To order: send an email to natalie@superbusyparent.com with your name, mailing address, phone number and number requested.
Kids Activities in Your Super Busy Life
I observed two moms at a child’s birthday party who were complaining to each other about their super busy lives. Of course, you must know how hard it is for me to restrain myself from jumping in to help! No one asked for my help, so I respected that.
Both moms have 3 children involved in a number of activities. One mom works part-time from her home and the other mom runs a (very) full-time family daycare business from her home 10-11 hours each day, Monday thru Friday. Both moms each have a husband who travels at least occasionally for business.
One of the moms was so exhausted by last Thursday (her husband was on the road) that after the daycare kids went home, her kids went to CCD, they came home and had dinner, got homework done, she was physically unable to get two of her sons to soccer practice at two different places in different sides of town. The practices are scheduled on at least 2 weeknights until 9 or 10 pm, depending on the kid. This mom is up each morning by 5:30 am. Her boys are up at 6:30 and 7. Although the boys were upset about missing practice, she knew she had to stop the insanity; she was so exhausted that she could barely keep her eyes open, never mind drive each boy across town and pick them up later in the evening. She rarely, if ever, says no to her kids activities, but this time, she said that she pretty much had no choice!
The other mom explained how she was always multi-tasking to get done as much as possible but yet never seemed to feel that she was accomplishing enough. She told about how difficult it is for her to just watch her kids play ball and how she often brought other things to do with her so she didn’t feel guilty for just ‘sitting there’. Oddly enough, during the same conversation she joked about how someday she’d probably look back and regret that she didn’t really watch the game or connect with how her kids were playing.
In both cases, these super busy moms have a lot on their plate, maybe too much (but that’s not for me or you to decide!). I wonder if they would’ve learning anything by observing themselves in this conversation, if they would’ve done things differently, what advice they would have given themselves if they were the listener or observer.
I think it’s important to assess the activities that we and our kids are involved in. I often check with the coach or other representative even before signing up for something, to learn more about the practice and game schedule, travel involved, other expected commitments, the costs, and any other details I can find out. I let them know up-front about any potential conflicts I expect and how this might effect my child, the team, or themselves. Although I can’t possibly plan or anticipate everything, this cuts down on quite a bit. I also have my children choose an activity per season so that we can see how it works into the existing schedule. If it fits, we consider it, but if not, there’s more assessment necessary or the decision is made that they won’t participate in the new activity. I try really hard not to get caught up in the thinking that my kids must participate at the ‘extreme’ level or they won’t get onto the HS teams or into a good college. Consciously choosing activities based on the information we can consider helps us make better informed decisions.
Being really honest with yourself, your spouse, and your kids about your limits (and theirs) is critical for your sanity and well-being. Over-committing is never a good solution for anyone!
Best regards,
Coach Natalie
Secrets from a Super Busy Working Mom (FT Work, PT School)
A client of mine was working full-time as a teacher’s aide after being downsized from her corporate job. She was contemplating returning to school for her teaching certification so that she could eventually have a regular teaching position. As she evaluated this option, there were many pro’s and con’s and other options that arose. After speaking with some teachers, a superintendent, some college admissions counselors, her family, and some close friends and extended family, she decided to pursue returning to school for her teaching certification.
She had a broad understanding of the challenges she’d face as a mom with 2 kids, a husband who works varied shifts, a home to take care of, a volunteer position at her church, and a full-time job. She received support and encouragement in advance from her husband for doing more at home and with the kids to allow for class time, commute time and study time. She also got a few neighbors and friends on-board from the beginning to help out, as needed, when the kids had somewhere to go but she would be at class and her husband would be working. She carved out a new schedule for her personal time that provided time for homework and studying. She re-hired the cleaning person she let go before the holidays. She continues getting her homework and projects done in advance—just in case there’s no time later!
When I asked her to share her strategies that have helped her so far in this transition, she said that compartmentalizing and asking for & accepting help was key. She also mentioned how important it was to allow her husband to do things differently than she does. Hopefully, her experience will motivate you to pursue a goal you’ve been putting off because it is possible! You just need to proactively and flexibly create the environment that works for you.
Find out how other super busy moms manage their life. Check out Blue Suit Mom http://http://www.bluesuitmom.com/career/findingbalance/ to read questions and answers from moms just like you!
Best regards,
Coach Natalie
