Boundary-Setting
Any woman reading this knows the difficulty we have in setting boundaries that honor us because we have been conditioned to take care of and nurture others so well. We do this quite naturally and usually with great pleasure. The problems arise when you feel resentful, angry, or frustrated about what you’re doing for others or what others are doing to you or around you.
Boundaries are imaginary lines that help you protect yourself both physically and emotionally. They keep other’s actions and behaviors from hurting, distracting, annoying, or imposing on you. External boundaries are limits you set on how others can treat you or behave around you. Internal boundaries involve your own thoughts and beliefs and the messages you send to yourself.
People treat you as you allow them to; however, you can actually teach others how to treat you based on how strong or weak your boundaries are. Having strong boundaries are important for protecting your body, mind, and spirit. Setting boundaries can make an enormous impact on the quality of your life. It is a major step in taking control of your life and vital for taking responsibility for your self and your life. It is the one skill that you most need to develop in order to create the kind of life you really want. However, it is often the area where most people seem to have the most difficulties.
Setting strong boundaries will help you stand up for yourself, stop agreeing to do things you really don’t want to do, and start feeling less guilty about putting your own needs first. It is a part of the process of defining yourself and what is acceptable to you. When you don’t have boundaries set other people will step over the line without even realizing where it is.
Boundary setting is not about getting other people to change (even though at first, it may seem that way). It is really about deciding what you will and won’t tolerate any longer in your life, and then communicating this firmly and consistently whenever you need to. Boundaries are essential to becoming a healthy adult and balancing your work and personal life effectively. They demonstrate your commitment to self-respect.
I have provided a number of presentations to women’s groups, organizations and associations about this topic. I have coached individual women and even a couple of men to help them gain awareness of where their boundaries were weak or existenttant and how to set and communicate boundaries. In groups of mothers, small business owners, and managers we’ve worked together and practiced boundary-setting.
It’s very powerful to you and people around you when you institute your boundaries and stand up for yourself. It feels great to get the respect you deserve! Feel free to contact me for a complimentary coaching session so that I can help you set or enforce a boundary to help you honor yourself more.
Good luck!
Warmly,
Coach Natalie
P.S. Forgot to mention my new workbook that has a number of exercises that take you through the 7 key principles for creating more joy, balance and success in your work, family and personal life. It’s not on my website yet, but it is available by special order. It retails for $19.95 plus shipping, handling ($4.50) and tax (1.20) for a total of $25.65. To order: send an email to natalie@superbusyparent.com with your name, mailing address, phone number and number requested.
Kids Activities in Your Super Busy Life
I observed two moms at a child’s birthday party who were complaining to each other about their super busy lives. Of course, you must know how hard it is for me to restrain myself from jumping in to help! No one asked for my help, so I respected that.
Both moms have 3 children involved in a number of activities. One mom works part-time from her home and the other mom runs a (very) full-time family daycare business from her home 10-11 hours each day, Monday thru Friday. Both moms each have a husband who travels at least occasionally for business.
One of the moms was so exhausted by last Thursday (her husband was on the road) that after the daycare kids went home, her kids went to CCD, they came home and had dinner, got homework done, she was physically unable to get two of her sons to soccer practice at two different places in different sides of town. The practices are scheduled on at least 2 weeknights until 9 or 10 pm, depending on the kid. This mom is up each morning by 5:30 am. Her boys are up at 6:30 and 7. Although the boys were upset about missing practice, she knew she had to stop the insanity; she was so exhausted that she could barely keep her eyes open, never mind drive each boy across town and pick them up later in the evening. She rarely, if ever, says no to her kids activities, but this time, she said that she pretty much had no choice!
The other mom explained how she was always multi-tasking to get done as much as possible but yet never seemed to feel that she was accomplishing enough. She told about how difficult it is for her to just watch her kids play ball and how she often brought other things to do with her so she didn’t feel guilty for just ‘sitting there’. Oddly enough, during the same conversation she joked about how someday she’d probably look back and regret that she didn’t really watch the game or connect with how her kids were playing.
In both cases, these super busy moms have a lot on their plate, maybe too much (but that’s not for me or you to decide!). I wonder if they would’ve learning anything by observing themselves in this conversation, if they would’ve done things differently, what advice they would have given themselves if they were the listener or observer.
I think it’s important to assess the activities that we and our kids are involved in. I often check with the coach or other representative even before signing up for something, to learn more about the practice and game schedule, travel involved, other expected commitments, the costs, and any other details I can find out. I let them know up-front about any potential conflicts I expect and how this might effect my child, the team, or themselves. Although I can’t possibly plan or anticipate everything, this cuts down on quite a bit. I also have my children choose an activity per season so that we can see how it works into the existing schedule. If it fits, we consider it, but if not, there’s more assessment necessary or the decision is made that they won’t participate in the new activity. I try really hard not to get caught up in the thinking that my kids must participate at the ‘extreme’ level or they won’t get onto the HS teams or into a good college. Consciously choosing activities based on the information we can consider helps us make better informed decisions.
Being really honest with yourself, your spouse, and your kids about your limits (and theirs) is critical for your sanity and well-being. Over-committing is never a good solution for anyone!
Best regards,
Coach Natalie
Secrets from a Super Busy Working Mom (FT Work, PT School)
A client of mine was working full-time as a teacher’s aide after being downsized from her corporate job. She was contemplating returning to school for her teaching certification so that she could eventually have a regular teaching position. As she evaluated this option, there were many pro’s and con’s and other options that arose. After speaking with some teachers, a superintendent, some college admissions counselors, her family, and some close friends and extended family, she decided to pursue returning to school for her teaching certification.
She had a broad understanding of the challenges she’d face as a mom with 2 kids, a husband who works varied shifts, a home to take care of, a volunteer position at her church, and a full-time job. She received support and encouragement in advance from her husband for doing more at home and with the kids to allow for class time, commute time and study time. She also got a few neighbors and friends on-board from the beginning to help out, as needed, when the kids had somewhere to go but she would be at class and her husband would be working. She carved out a new schedule for her personal time that provided time for homework and studying. She re-hired the cleaning person she let go before the holidays. She continues getting her homework and projects done in advance—just in case there’s no time later!
When I asked her to share her strategies that have helped her so far in this transition, she said that compartmentalizing and asking for & accepting help was key. She also mentioned how important it was to allow her husband to do things differently than she does. Hopefully, her experience will motivate you to pursue a goal you’ve been putting off because it is possible! You just need to proactively and flexibly create the environment that works for you.
Find out how other super busy moms manage their life. Check out Blue Suit Mom http://http://www.bluesuitmom.com/career/findingbalance/ to read questions and answers from moms just like you!
Best regards,
Coach Natalie
Safety Alert for Super Busy Parents
I heard from a friend who recently had a problem with her clothes dryer and I want to alert you about what she found out. It could save the lives of you, your family and your pets, as well as your home. Even though your life is super busy, it’s vital that you take the time to do some general maintenance to ensure that all of your appliances are in good running order.
My friend had called in a repair man because the heating unit went out on her dryer. As a mother of 3 boys at the start of soccer season, this was a real problem! As the repair man fixed things, he pulled out the lint filter. It was clean because my friend has the habit in place to clean the lint filter every time she empties the dryer. Although it appeared clean, there was an invisible unpermeating film that sat on top. He ran some hot water on it and it just sat on top of the mesh!
The repair man explained the dangers of this ‘common’ situation. As this film builds up it burns out the heating unit and dimishes the life of your dryer. It also causes dryer units to catch fire and potentially burn your house down with it.
Apparantely, the problem occurs from a buildup from dryer sheets. Although I don’t normally use dryer sheets, the advice is easy enough to follow, that I’ll do it anyway. This repair man recommended taking out your filter and washing it with hot soapy water and an old toothbrush (or other brush) at least every 6 months (more if you do many washes using dryer sheets). He said this will make the life of your dryer at least twice as long and help lower your electric/gas bill. Be sure to rinse all the soap residue and dry the lint screen completely before returning it to the dryer.
Time Management for Super Busy Parents
After blogging about time for self-care, I received feedback about how difficult it is to manage time so that there’s time for self-care. So, I went to one of the experts I know to get her advice. Carrie Greene (www.CarrieThru.com; Carrie@CarrieThru.com; 973.763.5504) is an ADHD coach. She realizes that everyone has issues with time management especially when life gets busy, priorities conflict and we over commit, but people with ADHD tend to have more trouble with time management then people without. For many people with ADHD time is not something that can be accurately estimated or judged. For super busy moms and dads, although you may not have ADHD (the neurobiological disorder) you may exhibit some attention deficit traits due to the overwhelming number of responsibilities in your life.
Whether you have ADHD or not, you will find that there are many benefits to being able to manage your time. When you are in control of your time you will find yourself more relaxed, you will be able to accomplish what you want to, know what tasks you need to do and be able to prioritize and not over commit yourself. Since many people with ADHD have so much trouble understanding time and truly can not internalize how time works, how can someone with ADHD ever expect to be on time?
Here are some strategies:
- Externalize time by creating visual, audible or tactile (sense of touch) cues.
- Use a SINGLE calendar, whatever kind you like and always carry it with you.
- Maintain a TASK list. It should include single actionable tasks not projects.
- Always wear a watch and hang up analog clocks in your office and home. Analog clocks show the passage of time as well as what time it is.
- Set your clocks accurately. If you insist on setting them ahead, make sure they are all set to the same time.
- Give yourself more time to perform a task then you expect it to take.
- Assume there will be traffic. Bring a book or something to do in case you are early.
- Schedule time with yourself to DO the projects on your list, don’t just write down due dates.
- Before you agree to take on a new task review what you have already committed to and decide if you can realistically add it to your load.
- Instead of allowing a project to take a certain amount of time from you, decide how much time you are willing to give it. Empower yourself to control your projects and your time!
Being in charge of your time is very powerful. What is one thing you can do today that will take you one step closer to getting there?
Best regards,
Coach Natalie
Time for Yourself
In order to have uninterrupted time for yourself, you need to first believe that you deserve it and are capable of having it. In super busy lives, in order for time for yourself to occur, it must become a commitment that’s a priority in your life.
Uninterrupted time for yourself is of utmost importance to parents because of your vital role and responsibility to nurture your children. Taking care of yourself ultimately enables you to best care for your family and your work. It is important to nurture yourself regularly without feeling guilty.
One of the biggest obstacles to finding more time for yourself may be your own guilt! Time and making it a priority are the other two challenges that prevent super busy moms and dads to take time for themselves.
To be able to make time for things you want to be doing more of, it is important to know where your time is going and what is most important to you to be spending your time on. Sometimes, what we say is important isn’t exactly where we’re spending our time and energy. Spending time on yourself and on activities you enjoy is critical to keeping your life in balance, your stress level low, and the rest of your family happy. Maintaining inner harmony, peace, and joy will help increase your overall life satisfaction.
You will not be able to take care of everything or everyone else well—or, more important, enjoy your time with them—if you are feeling burnt out or resentful because your needs aren’t being met. Whether it’s reluctance to put yourself first (at least once in a while) or an inability to find the time to do it gets in the way, begin reclaiming your time and precious revitalization.
There are many valuable articles available at my site. Click here to view the Top Ten List for Utilizing Time more Efficiently. By optimizing your time, you can make time for the things that matter, including your self-care.
Warm regards,
Coach Natalie
Toolkit Coming!!
Wow, time sure flies. It’s been a while since I’ve been blogging because I’ve been focusing my time and energy on creating an awesome tool that SuperBusy parents like you can use to create more success, fulfillment and balance in your Work, Family and Personal Life. I’ll be looking for people to preview it for free and provide their feedback. If you’re interested, let me know! It will be a unique opportunity to help shape tools to help yourself and others like you.
Practice Patience
With so much busy-ness in life it’s often difficult to be patient. We’re pushing for more and for things to be faster and faster. I’ve been working on patience in my personal and professional lives. It has really helped me stay focused on the moment and more fully appreciate others.
In my coaching, I have remained quieter when I work with my individual clients. This allowed them to say more. We were able to go deeper. They experienced more ah-ha moments. They were able to discover their own answers. I ‘taught’ less.
In my business, I have trusted that new business will come. I have stopped pushing so hard to create opportunities. I am trusting the universe to supply what I need. What’s happened as a result is pretty amazing! I have been introduced to an agent/broker who is excited about offering my services when he meets with school systems. I have welcomed a new individual coaching client. I have been informed that someone in Austin, TX purchased 250 copies of my book. I have mailed out postcards to prospects without being attached to the outcome. I have several prospective opportunities for speaking and one-on-one clients.
At home, patience has been a real virtue! It has brought me more gratitude than I expected. It has helped me have healthier relationships with my husband, kids, and my extended family members.
I encourage you to practice patience in your own super busy life. See if it helps you gain more joy in the moment. Discover if it helps you connect deeper with those around you. Uncover the gratitude that can come from staying in the moment and being thankful for the opportunities right in front of you. Then, let me know how patience has showed up in your life by posting a reply here or sending me an email.
Patiently yours,
Coach Natalie
Remember Romance in Your SuperBusy Life
Keeping Love Alive!
by Sue Waldman, MA, LPC, CEC, Counselor
Men and Women often struggle with keeping love alive. There is always hope that other person and the relationship will change. Regrettable, the energy once invested in the beginning of the relationship diminishes significantly leading one or both partners feeling disconnected from one another. Rather than creating joy and alive-ness together, couples are merely co-existing with one another. What is needed for the relationship to grow is vision and intention. It is then possible for each partner to shift from a position of self-absorbtion to EMPATHY, from blame to OWNERSHIP, and from being a source of pain to creating SAFETY,COMFORT and ACCEPTANCE. This process involves exceedingly clear communication. Knowledge, understanding and compassion for the other’s world not only strengthens a couple’s connection but also opens up new and more expansive possibilities as more of the world is experienced.
Most couples who are struggling to stay together, think that for things to improve, extraordinary changes, if not a miracle, have to take place. Most of us are conditioned to believe that these changes need to be made by our partner, not ourselves. But we often don’t realize that we have no control over our partner’s behavior.
As a result, we develop a sense of hopelessness and helplessness about the relationship. “If only he or she would change, everything would be wonderful”–or at least this is what we delude ourselves to think. The breakthrough comes when we realize that by making small changes in ourselves, we can inspire huge, positive changes resulting in feeling more optimistic, hopeful and open to our partners.
Couples can learn to fine-tune and develop skills so they can effectively and lovingly navigate the challenging relational waters. Romance can be renewed and love can be celebrated. Getting there is not always easy. Without a compass or a roadmap, it is difficult for couples to find their way. Professional Counseling can help. Contact Advanced Counseling & Coaching Services for a complimentary phone consultation at (973) 857-9090.
Tips to get Closer
THOUGHTFUL acts of KINDNESS
* compliment your partner on how s/he looks * give your partner a hug * gently touch your partner when s/he walks past you * Surprise her or him with an impromptu at-work lunch picnic * Do that one chore that your partner has been avoiding- take his/her car to get inspected
THINK OUT OF THE BOX * plan the perfect getaway in your home town -somewhere you have never been * Spend a few minutes in the morning recalling & sharing your dreams. * Rather than watching T.V together, go to a park and watch the birds or children play * Have fun with your camera- imagine creating your own erotic magazine * Role-Play your favorite movie stars
LAUGH AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE * Tell each other funny jokes- try to make them up yourself * Go to a funny movie together wearing your PJ’s * Play an April 1 joke on March 1 * Write a funny love story and act it out * Laugh…it is contagious
COMMUNICATE FROM YOUR HEART NOT YOUR MIND * Listen, Listen and Listen * Express your feelings in a constructive manner * Delete the button for gripes, criticism and annoyances * Ask yourself, “Is it helpful to be right or to be happy?” * Compromise RE-
INVENT ROMANCE * Remember when you first met…Do it again * Play with essential oils, especially rose oil * Experience abandon..do something you have never done * Dine at the most Romantic restaurant and feed each other * Take the longest, hottest bubble bath together Remember every day is Valentine’s Day! Most importantly, demonstrate your love for one another by being impeccable with your word. Be it, Breathe it and live it.
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Sue Waldman, MA, LPC, CEC is a licensed psychotherapist, certified Grief Recovery Specialist, Energy Healer and an iPEC Certified Life Coach working privately in New Jersey and New York City. Her specialty encompasses grief and loss, spiritual and personal development, forgiveness and love. Sue is available for training, teaching engagements, workshops, retreats, and telephone sessions. Contact Sue at Advanced Counseling & Coaching Services at (973) 857-9090 or email her at suewaldman@coachingtolove.com.
Growing Relationships
Wow, I’ve known my husband 23 years! Although we’ve only been married for the last 16 of them, I can’t believe how long we’ve been together. We’ve survived the up’s and down’s, the laughter, joys, and deaths of some of our loved ones. Through it all, we’ve grown stronger as a couple. I think this is pretty amazing!
When I was going through the tests and uncertainty with my health, he said something about how we’ll get through it together because we have the history of getting through other things. This gave me strength and a positive state of being.
When I spoke with a friend today who also has a Super Busy life, with 2 daughters, a nursing career, a husband, 2 homes, a dog, and more, she shared my sentiments about how a relationship can grow through the toughest situations. We recognized how our husbands were more private with their feelings than we are. How our husbands reach out for support in different ways than we do. It is a fact that men and women are different, we communicate differently and often respond in different ways, too. However, neither is wrong! It’s important to recognize the differences and honor them rather than look for ways to change either partner.
Life is too busy to have an adveserial relationship with your spouse. Coming from a foundation of love provides more strength to deal with the day-to-day life happenings. And for those of you reading this who are single, divorced, or widowed, building relationships with others will provide support and encouragement. Sometimes being without someone is a choice and other times it’s a situation but regardless, you always have other people that are there if you invite them and allow them to be.
Be sure to subscribe to my free bi-weekly e-newsletter to automatically receive tips to help you create more success, joy and balance in your super busy life! Go to my website to subscribe.
Yours truly,
Coach Natalie
