Flip your BUT
Most of us encounter obstacles on the road to achieving our goals. Through several experiences of working with my coaching clients and continuous learning opportunities, I have learned to turn these obstacles into stepping stones. If you’d like to learn how to turn problems and challenges into progress too, read on!
The first and probably most important point is that examining the problem in-depth rarely works because instead of focusing on solutions, you’re caught analyzing or dissecting the problem. Once you clearly identify the problem, increase your ability to make wise decisions by flipping over that obstacle to see what opportunities are available beyond it. If you remain caught up in looking at the problem, it will expand in your reality and you won’t be able to reach your goals. You’ll become either a victim who complains about the problem but doesn’t take any concrete steps to change the situation, or a quitter who gives up on the original goal and chooses a different path to pursue.
So, as you come across obstacles along the path to your goals, reflect on the hidden meaning of what it may be trying to tell you. Often, hidden within the pain of your problem are the seeds of what you really want. Clearly define what you’re hoping to achieve; redefine your goal. Be aware of the “buts” and flip them into “ands”.
Several years ago I had the fortuitous experience to work with some masterful coaches at a coach training school. I learned the technique of “flipping” my but and I’ve used it successfully myself, with audiences and with individual coaching clients. For example, if your goal is to get a new car BUT you can’t afford it, and you flip the “but” to an “AND” you’d be saying something like, “I want a new care AND I want to be able to easily afford the payments”. The sentence started with your goal to get a new car but ended abruptly at the BUT. It’s set up a conflict that cannot be resolved as long as the two things are seen as mutually exclusive.
Here’s another example…”I want to make more money, BUT I don’t want to work 60-80 hours a week”. If you flip the second half of this statement and combine it with the goal in the first part, you’ll end up with a powerful new goal such as, “I want to make more money AND work just 40 hours a week”. When you do this, you stop negating your goals, and start creating exactly what you want.
Do this exercise with one of your current goals. Fill in the blanks as indicated:
I want _____________________________________ BUT _______________________.
(your goal) (the obstacle)
Then, turn the “but” into an “and” below:
I want ______________________________________ AND ______________________.
(your goal) (your goal)
Once you’ve stated your new more powerful goal, start asking yourself questions like, “How can I get a great new car with payments I can afford?” or “How can I increase my salary while working while working less and earning more?” Keep asking these questions and other empowering questions so that you can engage both your conscious and your subconscious minds working towards finding solutions for you. This simple process of flipping the but works similarly when you have conflicting priorities. For example, “I want to attend the professional association meeting this evening but I promised my son that I’d attend his track meet”. When flipping the “but” to an “and”, I searched for an alternative or a solution that would allow me to do both and as a result I planned on dialing into the meeting and listening to the speaker while I watched my son run track.
Often when clients get this far in the process of achieving their goals, they let fear immobilize them. However, now that you’ve developed some empowering questions to move you toward your goal, the key is to get into action. Action is the perfect antidote for fear. As you take steps towards your goal, you can keep using this process as the evil “BUT” monster shows up. The fear of change, even positive change, can keep you stuck or push you back into victim or quitter mode. Feeling like you are stuck, or have no alternatives, dis-empowers you to achieve your goals.
Determine your goal and what’s stopping you so that you can flip that “BUT” to an “AND” and move yourself through empowering questions into deliberate action toward achieving your goals. If you feel you can’t do it alone, contact me at natalie@theprioritypro.com or call 908-281-7098 and I’ll be happy to explore how working with me as your coach can help you achieve your desired goals. With over a decade of experience and tangible results, let me help you attain your goals!
Overcome Guilt
Is guilt getting the best of you???
Guilt…it’s all around us! Wherever I go, I hear someone complaining about “feeling guilty”. For some reason though, this seems to be more widespread with women than with men. Women are guilty for not spending enough time with their children, their girlfriends, their spouse or their extended families, neighbors, and community; their guilty for not providing healthy meals; their guilty for how they look, what they eat, what they do or don’t do; they’re guilty for not exercising; they’re guilty for spending too much; and so much more!
What are we doing to ourselves??
Why are we trying to be everything to everyone…setting unrealistic expectations…and then beating ourselves up for not meeting these standards?
Interestingly, in an article in the June/July issue of Working Mother magazine, they reveal results of a poll they conducted. They found that 57% of respondents feel guilty every day, while 31% feel guilty at least once a week. That’s a lot of guilt!
I used to carry a lot of guilt with me. Fortunately, throughout the years of working with others to help them be more focused and aligned with their top priorities, making a lot of my own mistakes, and maturing enough to be confident about who I am, I’ve been able to make more conscious decisions and feel less guilty. I’ve also learned more healthy strategies such as working out, keeping things in perspective, and simply getting over it. Sometimes, journaling, talking with my coach or a friend I can confide in will also help me through those negative feelings.
If you get caught up in the negative cycle of thoughts commonly associated with guilt, it can be very destructive.
So, I’m really curious, how do you cope with guilt? What causes you guilt? And, to help all of us realize that we’re not alone, what’s your guilt confession? (Tell me yours…and I’ll tell you mine!)
Please comment below! And, if you want to learn more techniques for handling your guilt, visit my site for a free article about the Top Guilt Busters or contact me at natalie@theprioritypro.com to arrange an introductory coaching session. I’ll also be blogging about guilt
Ask Powerful Daily Questions
If you’ve ever felt stuck, doubtful or dis-empowered, try this out!
I’ve been using this technique recently with some of my clients and they are experiencing amazing results.
Read the questions below and write them down so that you can keep them with you until they become second nature. Ponder and think about the questions regularly. Talk to supportive friends, colleagues, family and your professional coach about it. Meditate and journal about these questions, too!
Question 1: What is the easiest, quickest, and most enjoyable way to (my desired result?)
Question 2: If I knew that it would work out in a way even better than I could imagine, what would I create for myself?
Question 3: What is working in my life right now? (What am I grateful for in my life?)
When you ask yourself powerful questions, such as those above, regularly and keep asking these same questions again and again, answers will begin popping into your head (sometimes when you least expect them!). As you continue doing this, answers will come more rapidly as you condition your thought patterns and train your brain to think more positive empowering thoughts. When your brain accepts a new possibility and negative thought patterns are blocked, more positive solutions can flow effortlessly. Rather than spending days or weeks contemplating a problem, you’ll more quickly be able to think about solutions.
Let me know how this works for you. Leave a comment on this blog!
Set Value-Based Goals
When working with successful clients, I’ve observed that those who experience the greatest levels of fulfillment and personal satisfaction as they achieve their goals, have aligned their goals with their personal values. If you follow good goal-setting practices in addition to aligning your goals with your values by writing specific, measurable, attainable, realistic, and trackable (S-M-A-R-T Goals) action plans, you have a better chance of success and knowing what your true priorities are. You spend the majority of your time on what matters most to you!
The first step in the values-based goal-setting process has to start with making an inventory of your values. Goal-setting is important but unproductive unless it is set on a foundation of your values.
Your values are the intangible aspects of life that make you feel in alignment, complete, on track, and functioning at a high level. Values are the essence of who you are. They are at your core. Although they may change over time, a life that aligns with one’s core values will feel more satisfying, even in the most difficult and challenging times. Values are the things you do that you find very attractive, an emotional state that you feel is very important. As life changes, it is important to re-examine your values. What was important to you at 20 may not be the same thing as when you’re 43.
Some examples of values include adventure, fun, service, creativity, connection, etc. When we consciously design our life to align with our values, life gets immeasurably richer — and easier! Gaining clarity of your values and designing your life around them is a process.
To discover your values, ask yourself:
- What is most important to you in your life?
- Then ask, what is important to you about that? What does this give you?
For example, if you answered that family is most important to you. Dig further to discover the core underlying value by asking what does family provide for you; you may find that family gives you a sense of connection, belonging or community. As you see in this example, the underlying value extends beyond family. Focus on what the value gives you to be sure you’re uncovering the core value because this will help you set your goals around your values.
Once you identify you values, choose activities or goals that are aligned with them. When you set goals to experience more of what you value most, life gets immensely richer – and easier!
How to Manage Your Inner Critic
Many of my clients and several audience members often remark that they feel somewhat like an imposter because they’re not as bright, capable or successful as others perceive them to be. They’re often afraid someone may find out. If you share this issue, this article interestingly helps you manage your inner critic. If you need more help, 1-1 coaching may be the solution to help you break through your blocks and be more confident and successful in your own eyes. Call or email me to discuss your needs. And, don’t worry, our conversations are strictly confidential!
View the Harvard Business Review article: How to Manage Your Inner Critic
Coping with a Job you Hate
Read my recent post at MyPath, powered by Manpower:
Welcome to MyPath: Full Plate: Coping with a Job you Hate
Are YOU a Workaholic?
Read the full article:
Are You a Workaholic? 7 Signs that Point to Yes, and 7 steps Toward your Recovery
Put Down the BlackBerry and Pay Attention
Are you a SuperBusy Mother who can’t put down your BlackBerry??
Work (DIS)Satisfaction in the US
Did you read or hear about the new statistics on Work (DIS)Satisfaction in the US released this week? Check it out!
I am a colleague of Laura Berman Fortgang and authorized program facilitator for her Now What? program. Today I received Laura’s latest newsletter and asked if I could share this information about growing job dissatisfaction in America.
Anyone who lived through the depression might have a good belly laugh at these statistics because earlier generations did not always have the luxury of being happy in their jobs–they did what they had to do because they had to. Happiness was not part of the equation.
HOWEVER, for the past few decades, job satisfaction has mattered but never more than during the 90′s when the economy was good and people had choices as to where to work and how much to get paid. In the 90′s you had to keep employees happy to keep them!
NOW, and in the last 9 years since 9/11, we have seen a progressive dip in satisfaction.
People are making more and more concessions to stay employed knowing the economy is not good and the job market is tough. More of their wages are going to pay for their health insurance and other benefits. They are seeing flat or no pay raises. Furthermore, something that the news reports did not account for was how many people are working harder and carrying more responsibility as more and more of their co-workers were being laid off.
At the core, however, as someone who works with people looking for the next horizon in their career, I find that there are other core reasons why work is not working.
In the recent movie, “Up In the Air”, George Clooney’s character, an HR rep who fires folks, said it so well when he said to someone who was losing his job: “How much did they first pay you to give up on your dream?”
In America, we are known for people having the freedom to pursue their dreams and think big, but often, people give up on their dream. Granted, sometimes it’s for very practical reasons but our culture doesn’t really support people’s dreams in most workplaces. The bottom line rules, not the growth or satisfaction of the employee. We tell our kids and students to ‘follow their dreams’ and then, when they do, we ask them: “Well, how are you going to make a living at that?”
People also don’t take responsibility for their own growth.Work satisfaction doesn’t come from what you do but WHO you get to be when you are doing your job. IF you don’t like who you get to be at your job, it is your responsibility to find ways to change that EVEN if your actual job dscription does not change.
People start coasting. Their life works well enough and they don’t want to ‘mess with what’s working’. But is it really working? Dissatisfaction can set in so easily when we allow ourself to go unchallenged.
People allow their work drudgery to follow them home. It is possible to improve your life even if you can’t improve your work. Instead of letting our work drudgery follow us home, we can invest in our private life and create a happiness that can make work palatable. Invest in creating family memories, indulge in a hobby, ‘date’ your spouse or partner, take classes, enrich your life!
People can find other opportunities, even in a tough economy. HEY! Then the obvious—gain the courage to look for other work! Invest in your worth as an employee with training or another degree or try your own biz if you can stomach it and bank roll it.
No one promised us we’d be happy at work, but you deserve to be. In other words, it’s exactly what to aim for and yet no one is going to hand it to you. CREATE IT!
Reprinted with permission from Laura Berman Fortgang. Originally published in The Now What?® Newsletter,Volume Three Issue Bonus #1, January 7, 2010
Managing Change and Uncertainty
Change is inevitable – after all, nothing really stays the same. But in today’s challenging times, it seems like we’re on “uncertainty” overload, never knowing what will happen from one moment to the next. Here today, gone tomorrow – or, at the least, very different tomorrow.
Uncertainty bring stress and confusion, and while most of us would be quick to say that we want less stress and more certainty in our lives, what we really want is less of a stress reaction to what life is throwing our way.
We can’t choose what happens to us – but we can choose our responses to the situations we encounter. Let’s take a look at five different responses that people have to stressful situations. As you read through these five responses, you may want to think of a recent stressful event or news that you may have received, and see what your reaction to that event can teach you about how you habitually respond. You may have one type of response at work, and another at home, or you may react differently depending on who else is involved.
The first, and unfortunately all too common response to stressful events is to suffer and be a victim to it. People who respond this way don’t take action. Things happen TO them – and though they may complain and be generally miserable about it, they don’t take any steps to do anything. They allow life to control them, instead of the other way around. This way of responding is certainly not recommended, and eventually, it will take its toll on one’s physical and mental health.
The second type of response is to accept it the situation, and to get some perspective on it. Someone with this response may say “so what,” or perhaps get some perspective on the situation by asking if it will it matter in a year – or a week – or even in a day.
The third way to respond is to actually take steps to change the situation – taking action to bring it to resolution (or at least move toward resolution). This is a very powerful response, and one that many effective leaders employ.
The fourth way to respond is to avoid the situation. People responding this way make a decision not to get involved in a situation that they don’t see as concerning them, or upon which they can’t make an impact. For example, someone may choose not to get involved in a dispute going on within their office if it doesn’t directly involve them.
The fifth and final way that people generally respond to stress is to alter the experience of the situation. When we look at a situation differently, the experience itself changes. Changing perceptions is probably the most challenging of the responses, because we tend to be stuck in our own interpretations and assumptions about what’s happening, but it is also perhaps the most powerful of all.
It’s your world, and you can create it as you wish. Remember, what one person sees as stressful, another person barely notices, or sees as exciting and full of opportunity. How are you going to choose today?
(This was excerpted with permission from the E Factor Newsletter January 2009 – “Handling what life throws your way” © 2009 iPEC Coaching)
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